Taking Women for Granted
Invisible Labor Erodes Connection in Relationships
One of the most painful experiences women report in long-term relationships is feeling taken for granted. Often, this isn’t because their partner is cruel or intentionally neglectful. It’s because much of what women contribute to relationships is invisible, unspoken, and assumed.
Over time, this lack of recognition can quietly erode intimacy, desire, and goodwill. Understanding why women experience this so deeply—and how men can respond—can significantly improve relationship satisfaction.
Women Are More Likely to Perform Emotional Labor
Sociologist Arlie Hochschild (1996) introduced the concept of emotional labor—the often invisible work of managing emotions, relationships, and social harmony. In heterosexual relationships, women disproportionately shoulder this labor.
Examples include:
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and family obligations
Managing social calendars and maintaining friendships
Tracking emotional states (“He’s stressed,” “She needs checking on”)
Providing reassurance, encouragement, and emotional regulation
These tasks are rarely assigned explicitly, yet they are essential to keeping relationships functioning smoothly.
Men underestimate this mental load. Because emotional labor doesn’t look like “work” in the traditional sense, it’s often overlooked, especially by partners who benefit from it without noticing it.
Women Feel Unappreciated for Domestic Contributions
Even in relationships where men contribute to housework, women often remain responsible for planning and organizing domestic life.
A large-scale study by Sullivan (2019) found that women continue to do the majority of:
Anticipating what needs to be done
Coordinating tasks and schedules
Monitoring completion and follow-through
This distinction matters. Many women report that they don’t just want help, they want recognition for their own work and a partner to share in that mental work. Doing dishes is helpful; noticing that the dishwasher needs unloading without being asked is affirming.
Women often feel frustrated not because men fail to help, but because men fail to see the work that exists in the first place.
Unseen Work Is Still Work
Much of women’s labor in relationships happens quietly:
Buying gifts before they’re needed
Keeping track of household supplies
Smoothing over social tensions
Thinking ahead to prevent problems
When this work goes unnoticed, women often internalize the message that their effort doesn’t matter. Over time, this can lead to feelings of invisibility, resentment, and emotional withdrawal.
Men may assume that if something feels easy or natural to their partner, it must not require effort. In reality, ease is often the result of sustained, skilled, and unacknowledged labor.
Being too “Laid-Back” Can Create Resentment
Many men pride themselves on being flexible, easygoing, or unconcerned with details. While this trait is often well-intentioned, it can create an unintended dynamic.
When one partner is “chill,” the other becomes the default planner.
Women frequently report feeling like:
Personal assistants
Project managers
Household coordinators
Rather than equal partners, they feel responsible for making life run smoothly for both people. Over time, this erodes attraction and goodwill. When the man believes he is being cooperative simply by going along with plans someone else made, it can create unexpected resentment.
Why Feeling Taken for Granted Hurts So Much
Feeling unappreciated isn’t just about fairness. It’s about emotional safety.
When a woman’s effort goes unseen:
She feels less valued
She feels less desired
She feels less emotionally secure
This can directly impact intimacy and sexual desire. Research consistently shows that feeling appreciated and emotionally supported is strongly correlated with relationship satisfaction and sexual connection for women.
How Men Can Help
Men don’t need to become perfect planners or emotional mind-readers. Small, consistent changes make a meaningful difference.
1. Acknowledge effort out loud
Simple statements like “I know you put a lot of thought into this” or “I really appreciate you handling that” go a long way.
2. Take initiative without being asked
Notice what needs doing and do it. Initiative communicates care far more powerfully than compliance.
3. Learn the invisible systems
Ask yourself: Who remembers? Who plans? Who anticipates problems? Sharing that load is transformative.
4. Treat appreciation as ongoing, not occasional
Gratitude isn’t a one-time event. It’s a relational practice.
Final Thoughts
Most women aren’t asking for perfection. They’re asking to be seen.
When emotional and domestic labor is acknowledged and shared, women feel valued rather than taken for granted. That sense of being recognized builds trust, warmth, and long-term desire.
In relationships, appreciation isn’t optional. It’s foundational.